30 Years Ago....

30 years ago this month my husband and I were excitedly awaiting the birth of our second child.  30 years ago our baby was born and died on the same day.  To say it's difficult to lose a child you desperately want is an understatement.  The hardest part was everyone else's life appeared to be going on as usual, when our whole world had been pulled out from under us.  

Shortly after arriving at the hospital, I found out the baby was breach.  It was touch and go whether my doctor would let me attempt to deliver normally or if I would need a caesarean.  At the time I was terrified of the surgery of a caesarean, and thought that would just be the worst thing.  After the baby died, I thought how ridiculous my fear of surgery was.  

I relived the birth nightly, like a bad rerun, for many months as I fell asleep each night with my hands on my stomach, no longer feeling the comforting movements of my lost baby.  

He'd be thirty this year.  My children have never known their brother.  

As I try to make some sense of this, I often wonder what God had in mind.  Why my baby, who was so very wanted.  Why not someone who is suffering, and ready to die.  Sometimes I wonder if my son would have had a difficult life, and God spared him so he could go straight to heaven.  

My faith helps me believe he's in heaven right now, and I hope he says a prayer now and then for his family here on earth.  I'm looking forward someday to really getting to know my son...